...and remember.

Hello there.

It's been quite a while since I last posted. Over a month, actually. Yikes. I'll use this as my excuse: college?

Tomorrow is my last day of fall break. I've gone to Starbucks, Noodles, Panera, had dinner with the grandparents, obsessed over my dog, obsessed over Scrubs, driven small children places, and even visited teachers. It's been quite a break, to say the least. I've slept in my own bed - in my own room, by myself - used my own bathroom - in my own room, by myself - and gone to the doctor (shots) and the orthodontist (broken retainer). Have I done homework? Of course! Well, duh. Yup, right away. Definitely. Fosho. Ummm...let's just say that self-incrimination isn't generally recommended.

So here I am, 12:51am, in my own bed, in my own room, in my own basement, in my own house, in my own town, all by myself.

I can hear the usual sounds that I've both forgotten and grown accustomed to: the washing machine on its continual runs, the water as a random family member decides to go to the bathroom, my dog's nails clicking as she ventures to the bathroom (aka the back door to be let into the backyard), my mom's sleepy footsteps trudging behind her. Sometimes my dad is up, insomniac that he is, walking around or surfing the web or coming to check on me. In approximately one hour and thirty-four minutes, the water softener will do its thing, generally scaring anyone in the basement who hasn't slept down here for five years.

I'm so happy to be back.

But I'm also so sad.

Home is such a bittersweet place. Don't get me wrong - I absolutely love laying on the couch, falling asleep on the dog, walking around in my underwear, enjoying the familial (yes, familial, as in relating to the family. I didn't spell familiar wrong) bickering and the lack of forced conversation - but being home makes me want to stay here.

It isn't that I'm unsatisfied with college; I absolutely adore college and couldn't be happier! (Yes, that was an exclamation point. Feel free to a) chastise me, b) cut off my fingers, c) kill me, or d) all of the above. I know it's a pretty serious offense). But at the same time, I miss being able to curl up on the couch with my dog to take a nap. I miss the late night country jam sessions I have while cruising the backroads to pick up my sister. I miss the beautifully under appreciated silence of my basement. I miss launching myself into my parents' bed to watch the end of whatever show is on and the beginning of the news. I miss - WAIT WRITE THIS DOWN BECAUSE I WILL PROBABLY NEVER SAY IT AGAIN - driving to school with my sister. I'm homesick while being at home. I am literally perched on my bed, pondering my homesickness. I haven't even left my house yet.

College is basically an exaggerated form of you-don't-know-what-you-have-until-it's-gone. This is both good and bad, beautiful and heartbreaking, happy and sad. I've learned a ton about myself in the past month and a half, but I love being here, in my house, with the people who know I meow/squeal/make pterodactyl noises/cry/burst into song/bitch about life/am I dork/love them. My guard is permanently down here, and I don't want to let that go. I don't want to give up my ability to belt choir songs and show tunes and commercials in the shower, to cry when I want to cry, to climb into bed with my little sister just to annoy her or talk about boys (of course, now I'm crying. Go figure).

I guess I just miss the unconditional acceptance that comes with being related to someone (Okay, I know you don't have to love someone unconditionally just because you're related to them. But at the same time, the bond between family members is kind of like that, in its own special way). Especially my dog... (classic)

Where do I go from here? I carry this feeling with me. I use it when I feel like life is taking a shit on me. I remember to call/text/email/pray for the ones I love. I remember not to get too caught up in my own life; as I'm growing older, so are my grandparents and my parents. Even my siblings are different from when I last saw them: one is stressed as seems to be losing herself in the dangerous world of high school, another is recovering from a long year of pain, and the other is wasting away because of her medicine. Their lives are changing as much as mine, but it's something I keep forgetting. I just need to latch on to this feeling and remember.